Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
