How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
