wakey wakey hands off snakey
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
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