Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
