My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
if only i could text you this smell
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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