ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i dont even know how to be here
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
