Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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