I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
