I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
nutella sex= disaster
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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