just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
