grandma shit on top of the toilet
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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