My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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