so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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