I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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