If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
