I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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