Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
