gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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