...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
