at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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