what if every blade of grass was a penis?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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