five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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