Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
