You're completely useless in the revolution.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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