Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
