meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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