Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
