Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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