doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
