Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
