You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
