Im at strip club and am horny
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
