Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
