I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
