I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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