The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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