Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
