so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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