It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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