Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
