dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
