I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
