You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
