life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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