Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I cannot find my penis.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
