Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
