My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
