I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
