she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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