Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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